My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more