My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
You Might Also Like
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Worst bar ever.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.