My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Dumplings,
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”