My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
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Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.