Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’