Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand