@bad_as_you_want

My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

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@Sickayduh

The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@curlycomedy

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

@nigelgodwin

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

@heyitsJudeD

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

@Jake_Vig

Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.

@Vice_Queen

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.