If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You Might Also Like
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though