My boss said , “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing my wonder woman costume

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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.


It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.


INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH


Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.


Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?


Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.


Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”


Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.


Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”