Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

Talk about a bad egg

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now