Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

This 4th of July, please remember…

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry