Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Never mess with a drunken pig.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above