My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
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[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
plant them where lol
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
