Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Breaking news:

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material