My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
This line from Airplane.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
this is the greatest thing ever
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.