My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?