Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Voting for coroner

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good