Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.