Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?