My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
LOL
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
what
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.