Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

life finds a way

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.