My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Interior design 👌
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.