My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
