Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

😂😂😂

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

New skill unlocked

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.