My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.