Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Lost and found pet FB pages

I found this dog in my yard, who does he belong to?? People like this don’t deserve to have pets. This owner should be locked up. What kind of MONSTER would do this???

*update – owner found, lives 3 houses down, leash broke and he ran. All good.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.