my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
How do you milk an almond?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
my friends when i can’t do basic math
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys