Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

see next tweet for some translations

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!