Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me