Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Software Development ⛵️

*files a restraining order against reality*

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road