My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.