My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”