Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Don’t tell me what to do.
Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*
Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?
Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”