@UGotMeRight

My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.

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@chicnlil1

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

@_elvishpresley_

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

@junejuly12

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

@amydillon

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

@liv_thatsme

FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”