[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.