My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby