My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me, reading some of your tweets
where the womens at?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.