My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
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Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?