Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Saturday

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings