My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!