Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

giddy up Office Depot

OKAY DAD

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.