Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish