My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.