My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
rapatouille
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)