Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The first rule of cliff hanger club is
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.