@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

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@copymama

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@TheBigBatman

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

@Mish3l_Ali

Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”

@CherBear162

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@Carbosly

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.