[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

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I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.


I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.


[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no


Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.


[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa


My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.


This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p


My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.


You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.


MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster