@CornOnTheGoblin

[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late

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@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

@david8hughes

[cat shelter]
Me: so u don’t test for it but u say none of them have it?
Owner: we’ve never come across a cat with martial arts training, no

@KentWGraham

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@Arrogant_Twat

My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.

Same thing.

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.

@QwertyJones3

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster