My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
You Might Also Like
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.