My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
