My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Butt weight. There’s more!
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I might give this a try 😏
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
