my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
OH. COME. ON.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
The Book. The Movie.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.