my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
According to math, I’m broke
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.