My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.