Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.