Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

the three genders

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

Matt Goss

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder