Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Called it
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
you stereotypes are all alike
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.