My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal