My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
New favorite tiktok
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows