My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Basically.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
#parenting
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.