My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.