Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

they really wanted me dead for this

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.