My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Every photo I’m tagged in
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body