Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

❤️

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

*pronounces patio like ratio

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it