My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.

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Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.


Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??


u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap


COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”


Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?


Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.


Dearest Timmy,

Your obsession with wells is tearing us apart.



waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down


Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”


A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people