“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The two types of wives
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?
Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A Flat Miner.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT