@Bob_Heller

My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.

You Might Also Like

@AnnDabromowitz

WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad

@JamieLinks

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

@Browtweaten

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@fire2sweet

I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I’m a bit of a grammar freak.

“Can you explain?”

I don’t know, CAN I?

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]