Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

😉

[adds another nod to the conversation]

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

A comic by Dan Piraro

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist