Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

inside you are two wolves

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.