My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes