If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?