My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

You Might Also Like


Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.


Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.


“My fellow Americans-”
“we are working tirelessly-”
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset


I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.


Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.


The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.


I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.


“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”


When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good


My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.