@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

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@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@ch000ch

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.

@susie_dent

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

@Laser_Cat

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

@Jeffro_

I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.

@LennoxTruman

“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”

@ClamDive

When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.