My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.