My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
shit just got real
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31