My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Wedding planning is organized crime.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
making my dog give me my pills
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I am, perchance
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
