My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Leftovers are for quitters!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
So the ex texted me
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.