My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
$4 #usedbooks
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone