My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!