Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”