My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?