Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Ugh

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets