Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.