Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

🫡

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

about to have the best blueberries of my life

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories