Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

“How’s your day going?”

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.