My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?