My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
You Might Also Like
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Today’s tshirt
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Haha! 😂
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake