My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My dog learned how to text
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter