My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
me and my fake scenarios
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.