My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
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So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.